Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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