My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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