Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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