quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Randomize
