I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
