i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
