Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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