a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize