I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
