Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
