a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
