Apparently you make a good broom.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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