This beer is not sobering me up at all
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
