Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
