I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize