a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
