what day is it and did you see me today?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
