just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
