Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize