So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Randomize