I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
