i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
