I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
he was CRYING into my vagina
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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