I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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