Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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