how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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