His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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