Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
