We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize