Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
