There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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