Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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