broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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