Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
