I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
