My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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