I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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