I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
