I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
