I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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