What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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