I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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