she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
