You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
