roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
