Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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