Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
