I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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