I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
