Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
