I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
