I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
