I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
