But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize