Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
