I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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