Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
