Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
